Meditations of a Novice Writer: The Thoughts of Fear and Dreams

The Meditations of a Novice Writer

I am scared. This fear, with its iron hold, vermin over me, whispering thoughts of doubt on my weaknesses. This responsibility, this sensation of falling short, weighs hard on me. I wish to unburden my spirit before the glory of my journey unfolds.  

These days I have lost my shine, with time as quick as a flowing river, sliding past my fingers with frightening speed. Days evaporate like raindrops on sun-kissed pavement, leaving no trace behind. Each minute fades into the next, an endless cycle that holds out the promise of insignificant change, causing me to desire what is beyond the horizon. 

Hope, once a flame lightning my way, now flickers weakly in the depths of my memories, fading like echoes from a distant past. 

I want to be honest with myself.

The thing is, I'm tormented by the possibility of failure on this journey, but that's not what shakes me the most. You see, what actually scares me is not failure, but rather success. The unknowns that success brings are considerably more intimidating to me than those of failure. Failure is predictable. It provides lessons, progress, and a glimpse of a future where achievement is possible. It's almost as if failure lights the path to minimizing mistakes, offering a different way forward. Interestingly, it also whispers the desire to give up, something I reject to seriously consider. Because if I give up, I'll return to a life devoid of desire, when dreams are only illusions and existence is a never-ending cycle of misery and lack. I hate to return to that awful place as I went through its darkness and loneliness. 

The most unsettling part of the success is its loneliness. Success is unknown to me, a strange space where the rules of engagement baffle me. At least with failure, I learned how to survive its depths and emerge stronger from its struggles. With success, however, comes an intense burden that I think I am ill-prepared to handle. I dread its joy, comfort, and essence, without the struggle that has characterized my youth. Even as I type these lines, I am torn between conflicting desires - a desire for success and an unwillingness to give up the comfort of my past challenges. I am caught in a dichotomy, wishing for success while desperately clinging to the relics of my old life. 

How can I overcome such profoundly built fears? How can I embrace success while preserving the essence of my identity? These questions torment me as I explore the complex network of my ambitions. 

What is that success I dream of? The success I desire 

The success that hinders my sleep nights is rooted in my book-writing journey. I cringe at the thought of it transcending beyond my wildest dreams, fearful that its victory would overwhelm me and destroy the frail veneer of my confidence. How do I know whether I have the courage to bear the burden of the success that I desire? The fact is that I'm confused. Doubt devours me continually, hurling shadows on my intentions. This book is a culmination of my most treasured dreams, a journey that has been sewn into the fabric of my life since high school. Now, as its realization approaches, I find myself gripped by a terror more paralyzing than the fear I had at its conception. 

Overcoming this fear seems to be a hard commitment. With each stroke of my pen, I can feel vibrations running through my fingers. Each full phrase sends my heart racing with a chaotic mix of excitement and anxiety. As I finish each chapter, my palms get moist with sweat. And with each creative idea that arises, my entire existence is consumed by the sharp realization that this dream, the pinnacle of my desires, will soon be a reality. 

How then can I rise above this suffocating fear of success? 

I am consumed by thoughts of you, my cherished dream. 

I fully surrender to you, promising never to leave your presence. You have been the lighthouse I've been waiting for, the fulfillment of my greatest desires and dreams. I've worked tirelessly to keep you near me, and I will not let you slip. It is both my obligation and my heart's longing to see you fulfilled, to take strength from you in times of struggle so that I, in turn, might complete you as you complete me. 

At this point in my life, you reign absolutely in my thoughts, a constant presence that both comforts and challenges me. However, having you live within me without providing counsel on our next move is becoming frustrating. How can we progress? How can we evolve? Speak to me so that together we may make this dream a reality, just as real to me as you have always been. 

Allow me to bring you to fruition so that our launch will be an incredible success, fulfilling the ambitious goals we've nurtured together. I've imagined you as my savior from life's difficulties, changing me into the amazing writer you've always believed I am—just as you did in the beginning, and just as you've whispered in my dreams. 

Revitalize me once more with your inspiration, reigniting the flames of creativity that first sparked our journey together. Guide me back to the magical world where we once wandered, where we shared the secrets of our thoughts, the depths of our souls, and the unspoken truths of our universe. 

Return to me, my beloved Dream, and reignite the fire within me once more. 

To my dear reader, 

I write these words with a desire to be completely transparent, to reveal the reality that lies within my quest to publish my first book as a novice writer, beyond the facade of glory that you may see or think. Understand that my purpose is not to discourage, but rather to instill in you a spirit of perseverance and resilience. I intend to explore not only the heights of success but also the valleys of hardship, in order to show the difficulty of pursuing desires and dreams. 

It is critical to recognize the shadows that lie along the way, the times of loneliness that creep even in the presence of beloved companions. These reflections serve as my thoughts on the journey of my life. inquiring not for solutions but for awareness. I ask myself these questions not to answer them, but to become more aware of them and acknowledge their existence in my life. 

May these insights serve as a beacon amidst the uncertainties of your own path, guiding you with newfound clarity and understanding. 

Warm regards, 

Tebogo Khalo